Today I went back to check my little experiment. It’s on the outer edge of the Milky Way in a nondescript solar system around a minor star. I call the experiment ‘humanity’. In some ways it’s been spectacularly successful but in others an abysmal disappointment. Because natural evolution would have taken too long from pond weed to sentient being, I admit I intervened a few times to speed things up. I put my hand up to homo erectus! I seeded that into the evolutionary chain. And Cro Magnon man. I did that too. I also put fire and iron right under the nose of man and also the microchip and digital thinking. My next trick might have to be showing how you can warp space-time for travel faster than light. Well, it doesn’t get discovered without a bit of help, you know! But it’s sobering to reflect that I might now have to shut it all down and find something else to occupy my time. Things are getting a little out of hand. If I wipe mankind out before my dinner tonight, I can at least get a decent night's sleep without worrying what these little people will try next.
Why wipe mankind out at all? I'll tell you why. First, he doesn’t really use his consciousness. Oh, he'll explore his environment and reach out to Mars and all that but he doesn't explore inside himself. What little he does explore ends in a load of superstitious twaddle. Do you know, I think he worships me! Yes! How embarrassing is that? He hasn’t even questioned the strange discontinuity in his own evolution. Look how other creatures, even apes, have hardly changed in millions of years. Man must think he’s really special to become what he has become without a bit of help from what he would call ‘a divine being’. Wow! Me a divine being! How my creators would laugh!
Second, he began by populating his planet but now he infests it. There are heaving swarms of humans on earth. I’ve tried plague, influenza, Ebola, war, nothing has worked. He’s learnt pretty fast in many ways. He’s a learner and an experimenter, that’s true. I think I may have to make them all infertile over a period of time, a long period in terms of their little lifespan. Yes, then they’ll dwindle away and all that mess they’ve made can erode to dust and we shall have nice greenery again. So much easier on the eye!
Third, he has ideas above his station and presumes to guess at the significance of his universe. He’s just realised there are many universes, not just his, and I can’t let this revelation progress too far or it will become harder still to delete him from my collection of experiments. If he finds out he’s the only life form in his own universe, quite alone, he’ll start to imagine he's some sort of unique and valuable species. I can’t allow that.
Fourth, he will soon discover too much about time and space. That will have to be stopped. I don’t like it when he looks too closely at gravity either. Very worrying!
Anyway, my creator’s creator is calling. Apparently I’ve got to finish now and go and eat. I think I will use sterility to finish my experiment off, followed by catastrophic climate change. The joke is, mankind really believes he’s causing it himself! That takes the blame off me if I should be accused of cruelty to my little beings. Oh well, must dash, bye!
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